Why you Should Read The 4 Agreements: Choose Happiness

For a long time now I have been wanting to read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I had heard about it from various people and have seen quotes online when looking for inspiration or peace through words. I even have the four agreements printed and up on my wall near the door so I can read them every day, but yet had not had a deeper understanding since I had not read the book.

In my opinion this book from a theoretical sense encompasses various theories regarding learned behavior/thoughts, family and cultural beliefs, and stages of development. If you are a mental health professional as well or have learned or have used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, when reading this book you will pick up on CBT principles throughout the chapters. This book is about changing your agreements (thoughts, perspective, beliefs) to change your feelings and behaviors. However for someone who might not have a theoretical understanding of CBT, Miguel Ruiz does a beautiful job of painting a picture about how we (humans) are essentially living in a dream that they create, either choosing to live in a dream state of hell or of heaven. Below I will (in a quick snap shot) highlight my take aways for the few chapters in this book, but my hope is that you read this book for your own personal development and growth.

It might sound cheesy, but for me living by these 4 simple “pillars” has made a significant difference in my life. After finally reading the book I have a much greater appreciation for the paper that is taped onto my bedroom wall and hope you gain something that is helpful to you as well.

The introduction of this book introduces the concept of the “smokey mirror”. That as humans was are dreaming in a state of unconsciousness and misunderstanding of each other. This is because as we reflect as a mirror toward each other, we do not see ourselves in each other due to all the smoke in-between the mirrors.

Chapter 1: Domestication of the Dream of The Planet

Chapter 1 discusses that as children we learn behaviors from our parents, guardians, peers, society about what is “right” and “wrong”. We are all “domesticated” to behave and act and be a certain way over time. Our true selves are often lost at a very young age; our infant and toddler self that loves unconditionally, plays, is spontaneous and acts without overthinking.

As children we learn where we put our attention. For example when we are at school or talking with our parents. There is very limited choice in our beliefs from a young age. Our parents/society taught us who to be discriminatory toward, what our religious beliefs should be, what language we would learn, etc. At a young age we came to an agreement, even if unconsciously, that we would follow our parents’/societies beliefs. This is simply how life is a dependent child, HOWEVER once we become adults we have a responsibility to become aware of our thoughts and beliefs and determine if those are truly healthy for our well being and are optimal to give love unconditionally. I say all this without any judgement as I have been on a long and forever continuous journey to challenge beliefs and perspectives that I have picked up along the way of life that do not serve me and my relationships.

Take away points for me:

• Let go of the Victim Mentality. This has been crucial in healing from pain, trauma, and the story I had told myself about my financial independence.
• Being aware of The Judge in your mind that reinforces the victim mentality
• Guilt is not a useful emotion. It is harmful to ourselves and it is harmful to our loved ones when we try to make them feel guilty for past mistakes.
• 95 % of the beliefs we have in our minds are nothing but lies. We experience unnecessary suffering over and over because of our unhelpful beliefs. I have spent much of the last 11 years falling into moments of drawn out suffering because of beliefs I’ve held from different experiences. The older I get the more I learn about the value of acceptance and working against feelings of fear and worry and lean into living the present. Be kind to yourself in the process.
• OUR BIGGEST FEAR AS HUMANS IS TO BE ALIVE. I recently read another book and the most valuable sentence I read went something along the line of, give yourself permission to be happy, succeed, and shine.
• If we believe we are not worthy of love and respect we will allow for others to abuse, humiliate, and treat us badly. This is not to discount that I am strongly against abuse, however men/women in these relationships often have a belief system that says they are not worthy of love and respect- this includes myself many years ago when I was in an abusive relationship. If you are reading this and are in an abusive relationship reach out to someone who you trust or call the domestic violence hotline (1800)799-7233. You are deserving of love, kindness and affection.

“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.”– Brené Brown

I can go on and on about the take aways from chapter 1, but you can read it to find your own too! On to chapter 2….

Chapter 2 The First Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word

• Words are so powerful that they can help change a life or negatively sear into someone’s mind for the entirety of their lives.
• Being impeccable with your word means to use your energy in the direction of truth and love for yourself.
• It is SO important to be mindful of what words are coming out of your mouth, especially in moments where you emotions are heightened, because you cannot erase what has already been spoken.
• Gossiping is poison.
• The words you tell yourself every day about what you look like, what kind of person you are, how intelligent you are become your reality and can hinder the person you’re becoming or what you will accomplish in life.
• Use the word to SPREAD LOVE, and like Bambi said, “If you can’t say nothing nice, don’t say nothin’ at all”.

Chapter 3 The Second Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personal

This has been my favorite agreement personally, until I read the book and now love them all. I’ve taken so many things personal over the years, for example when people have lied to me, getting shouted out by stressed out families that I’ve worked with (more so when I was even greener in the field), being cheated on, partners withholding love, friends being flakey, and the list goes on. It had been a HUGE wight lifted off my shoulders to see life through this lense that whatever anyone does is not a reflection of you but of themselves and the place they are in their life. Although at work I have learned to continuously separate myself from comments my patients make because of their illness or crisis, it has taken me a long time to apply this same principle to my life out of work.

• Nothing that other people do is because of you. Not the good things or the bad things. NOTHING.
• Get to a place that you are immune from other’s personal garbage. It’s relieving and empowering to visualize a shield of protection and people’s junk flying off and not penetrating your spirit. Like Eleanor Roosevelt was quoted to say, “No one can make you inferior without your consent”.
• If we know who were are the opinions of others cannot shake us- unless we of course buy into the opinions of others because of open wounds that we have not yet healed ourselves.
• Live without fear and give LOVE. If you view all things through a lens of love you will see love in everything.
• Just because you have opinions about yourself does not mean they are necessarily true.

Chapter 4 The Third Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions

In therapy we sometimes call making assumptions, “mind reading”, which is identified was a cognitive distortion. It is something many relationships struggle with. For example, if we’ve known our partner for 15 years it can be easy to fall into the trap of, “They know me. The wouldn’t have done that if they cared”. We assume that people might have a specific intention from their actions, but that puts us at risk for misinterpreting actions and can lead to unnecessary conflict. We often assume in life that other people, especially those of our similar race, gender, profession see things the way we do. I can say that on many occasions I’ve made assumptions about the intention of a text message or tone of an email, which was completely inaccurate led to unnecessary frustration or pain. Now I am more aware if I start going down the assumption road and prefer to pick up the phone and make a call, and if calling is not an option I send voice messages so that people can also understand my tone.

• If we are worried about others rejecting us it is often because we have already rejected ourselves.
• Increasing your communication and being clear with your communication will significantly improve your relationships.
• Our minds often like to fill in the blanks when we have a lack of information- ask questions to remove room for assumptions.
• You have the right to ask a question, but at the same time people also have the right to not want to answer it.
• We make assumptions about ourselves, whether we think we can or cannot do something. Sometimes our appraisal of ourselves is wrong and we over or underestimate.

Chapter 5 The Fourth Agreement: Always Do Your Best

When I started this book I have to admit that I had a strong bias that, “Don’t take anything personal”, was my favorite, but after reading the book I realized that without this 4th agreement we cannot really strive to integrate the other agreements into our lives.

And I quote, Don Miguel Ruiz:

“Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good. When you wake up refreshed and energized in the morning, your best will be better than when you are tired at night. Your best will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick, or sober as opposed to drunk. Your best will depend on whether you are feeling wonderful and happy, or upset, angry, or jealous.”

• If you overdo it and try to go above your best you will deplete yourself emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.
• Doing more does not necessarily mean doing better or your best.
• When you do your best you can live life without regret.
• Doing your best always is a gift to yourself, family, and your community. Do you best EVEN WHEN OTHERS ARE NOT LOOKING- this will help detach the need of reward from your actions.
• Don’t expect that you will always live up to the first three agreements. You’ll take things personal at times, you’ll slip up with your words, and will also make assumptions. Just do your best!

“When you honor the four agreements there is no way you will live in hell” – Don Miguel Ruiz.

I hope you take the time to read this book. If you don’t want to spend any money, go to your local library or borrow this book from a friend. I read the book in a few short hours myself- you can too! Sending prayers and good vibes your way in your journey in investing in yourself and increasing your consciousness.

PS: Hello Summer!

Peace and LOVE,

Joanna